What is in the water?

By Juliana Malfitano, staff writer

It has become evident to the Lassiter High School population that a peculiar condition is spreading among the female teacher population. This condition, seen less in previous years, but more abundantly since the beginning of the 2019-2020 school year, have been rapidly increasing at Lassiter. This outbreak happens to be a widespread outbreak of pregnancies.

Teachers of all subject areas, from science to foreign language, have begun or ended their nine-month pregnancy terms this new school year. The question is why? Why now are so many teachers becoming a mother or having more kids? Can these pregnancies possibly be linked back to a single source? It is theorized that there may be a reason, located right in the halls of Lassiter as people absentmindedly walk by and use the culprit on a daily basis. The cause is thought to be the left-most water fountain, between the girls’ and boys’ bathroom, at the corner of the 300 and 500 hall.

Although a water fountain is seemingly innocent, there have been sightings of all pregnant, or previously pregnant, teachers frequently drinking from this water fountain. Can this really be a coincidence? Obviously, there is some clear-cut evidence pointing towards the fact that water from this fountain may be impregnating female teachers. More scientific research needs to go into this study, but professionals are speculating this as the most accurate answer.